Moi! A sophisticated lady using that expression: OMG. I can't stand it. But now that I have learned how to text message, I can become acerbic, and to the point, and not get tied up in knots with defensive relatives.
On my expedition today, I paid the auto insurance, cut loose the Honda from the policy, signed the title over to a deserving niece-in-law, and now it is just me and the Eclipse. I bought some brush markers at Barnes & Noble. Was surprised to find them there. What I really want is a Waterbrush - water stored in the handle.. I saw someone's blog about it on-line the other day. I am lucky to have what I found. But I'd rather start using my old water colors. At least the brush markers will get me warmed up. I hope I have some watercolor paper books in a drawer somewhere. Speaking of the Honda, this is what happened Christmas:
"Aunt Nadine, that car is pimped out" my nephew said when he saw the Eclipse at Christmas. Then he saw the custom rims and dropped to his knees.
I said, "It is true, this car is nothing but a cop magnet, just like the internet says, and I've had young men practically go over the curb when they see a silver-haired fox in it."
Nephew: I think you mean 'couger', Auntie.
Me: I know what a couger is, and I mean fox, as in 'crazy like a fox', or 'like a fox on the run.'
Nephew: Got you. "Well, anyway, it's the rims , especially. They are more than top of the line. You will be profiled.
Me: Well, these local yokel cops are pacing me everywhere. Over near the university, especially.
Nephew: They aren't allowed to do that for more than a mile and a half.
Me: Well good. I'll just measure the route. I know where they lurk. But I couldn't get my 101st Airborne sticker's off the Honda. I have got to get a replacement so these cops will back off. I am a poor woman. cripple even, who has to pay higher insurance and put 93 octane gas in. How could I ever afford to get a new tire? And every time I stop at a light by the base, you got all those aviator's driving fast and revving it up near me. I feel like I need to start smoking a cigar, or something. At least pretend I'm smoking one. A big Cohiba.
Nephew: Where would you get one of those, if I may ask?
Me: Well, I have been offered them many times, because it is impolite to not offer one. The next snob who offers me one, I am just going to take it, take a puff or two, and save the rest for you.
Nephew: Are you kidding me? You'd really save it for me.
Me: Of course I would. And I know just who I am going to 'score' one off of. Your Uncle Marc. Next time he is in town, I am going to act offended that he presumed to ask if he could smoke and didn't offer me one. That ought to set him in a spin. Manners are manners. How dare he presume I enjoy being his audience! He will either put up or shut up and stay away from my door.
Nephew: Auntie, please don't drive Uncle Marc away.
Me: Well, he still has to come to town to pay court to great aunt High Church. So don't worry.
Nephew: Auntie, you are so mean.
Me: Well, I have turned a corner in life, and I don't have time to waste on blowhards, and people afraid to speak straight and true.
Nephew: I hope you don't ever write me off.
Me: What! I started crying when I saw you crying in the hospital nursury. There was an Iranian father there, too, and he was bawling. Same reason. The nurse came to see what the racket was all about, and it was two adults crying because the babies were crying and we couldn't get thru the glass to pick them up. She kicked us both off the maternity ward and told us she would call us when you had both been fed. I have always cried whenever you cried. And I have kicked (metaphorically) anyone who didn't understand my mischievous nephew. But, I will not be manipulated. I will only respond...as I see fit.
Nephew: But, please don't scare Uncle Marc!
Me: He has not followed up on some things he said he would do. I am not amused, and he is not excused. Not anything he said he would do, for that matter, if you must know. Don't ever be that way. It is a Native Norfolkian thing to do.
I never do that. I guess its the difference between an engineer and your sales type, blow hard.
Nephew: But you are so sarcastic with the relatives lately.
Me: I can't help it. I am over them and their small brains and insularity. I use the military definition of "Friends and Family" now. They may be blood and first degree, but they are off my list. In the military, if their are not family you want, they are relatives. They are 'tiv's.
Nephew: Where did you hear that?
Me: Fort Monroe, Thanksgiving, 2006. And I knew what they meant and I appreciated their support and guidance.
Nephew: I hope you never think of me as a 'tiv.
Me: No. You have my heart, as they say up in the Piedmont. But don't expect me to have a lobotomy to get along.
I feel bad I have nothing but my attitude to give you, now.
Nephew: What! You gave me that book on pulleys when I was ten. And my first tool box. And all that graph paper.
You gave me "Castles" and "Cathedral's" and so many good books.
Me: Well, my dad was from Chicago, and he was not going to let his wife and daughters be stuck in Norfolk,Virginia and depend on any of the local yokels. And your great grandfather showed me how to make everything a weapon. You would not believe.... When I first needed a cane, I had this carved one from the Orient that was his, and took it to the grocery store to get Marjoram, and a man sidled up beside me and whispered, "Maam, do you know that cane is illegal to carry." I turned my head and I said, Should I leave it at home or some local cop is going to take it away and take it home? He said: "That is what I am saying." I thanked him and hightailed it home and finished the boeuf bourguignon. That is what I mean about your Uncle Marc, He would borrow the marjoram and never return or replace it. As if I should just be honored that he dropped in. Well, I am not in anybody's retinue, and I pay court to no one.
Nephew: I don't know what that means, but...
Me: ...but you get the gist, I hope.... Well, go on and do what you have to do and never get mixed up with someone from Norfolk. They think they are world class. Well, I just wish they would call in for their barges and go floating down the Lafayette and away from here. They are full of themselves. And they don't understand acoustics, either. They haven't got a venue or a street corner that doesn't shut the voice and instruments down. People been trying to tell them for years. It is a waste of everyone's time and effort. Well, maybe the Opera House is OK. It is a dedicated facility. But anything else, don't waste your time or money. I want you to be over them too, at least acoustically.
Nephew: Well, I am not too up on acoustics, myself.
Me: Well, back in the day we had to match speakers up with amps, etc., etc., and other things.
Nephew: Well, you still have to do that...for car systems.
Me: Well, that is an option you might consider. Learn about acoustics, and travel away from this city. You don't have to have a university degree. You can figure it all out. That is what the graph paper is for.
Nephew: For which I am truly grateful.
Me: I have always been grateful for you.
Nephew: Aw, shucks, Auntie.
Me: And that's another thing, don't ever .....
Well, that is just a part of my day, starting with getting the auto insurance paid. I confess I got a black felt hat, too. It was not on sale either, but it was oh-so-necessary. ,
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